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And Then There Was Hayes | A Personal Post about Loss and Love | Part III

Part I
Part II

Now that we had experienced two miscarriages, getting pregnant again was even more fearful. I didn’t even want to tell anyone, not even Eric. I didn’t want him to have to go through the disappointment and hurt again if we lost this baby too. But I knew I couldn’t do that. It was his baby too and he deserved to know even if we couldn’t allow ourselves to get excited right away. We were cautious but felt that this time was different. We just knew. Even though I had a feeling that this pregnancy was different it didn’t stop me from being completely paranoid, and why shouldn’t I be? My doctor put me on a low does of aspirin as a precaution to make sure there weren’t any blood clotting issues that could cause another miscarriage. She also put me on progesterone for a few weeks. She said I probably didn’t need it but I insisted. I wanted to feel like I had some sort of control over this pregnancy even though I knew deep down I had no control at all.
To my cautious delight, this pregnancy kept progressing. After I got past the 12 week mark I thought I would let myself relax but that never happened. I had multiple sonograms just to be sure that things were ok and even though they were all nothing but good news, I still was so afraid to be happy or excited because I knew it could be stripped away at any moment. As soon as the baby was big enough for the heartbeat to be heard on a home doppler, I was checking for the heartbeat multiple times per day. Of course I would have those instances where I couldn’t find the heartbeat and I would quickly fall into a deep panic only to find relief when I heard that beautiful flutter after a few seconds of frantic searching.

As I got into my 6th, 7th, and 8th month of pregnancy, I still worried. I was so surprised that I still couldn’t let myself relax. While we as a family were so excited to find out that we were having a baby boy after having three girls, I never did even formally announce that I was pregnant. I just kind of let people find out. I felt so guilty that I didn’t announce to the world that we were having a baby boy but I still just couldn’t put the news out there as badly as I wanted to. A dear friend of mine, Susan from Susan Seidel Photography did take some photos of us when we found out that we were having a baby boy. This was our own private gender reveal with cupcakes.
Candice Adelle Photography Virginia DC MD Wedding Photographer_0553.jpg
We had no idea what we were having until we tore into our cupcakes. The photos she took are so dear to me but I couldn’t bring myself to share them. I did let go enough to allow my husband to share them and I’m so glad that I did. This baby deserved to be celebrated no matter what had happened in the past or what would happen in the future.

What I find somewhat comical about this journey was that this pregnancy proved to be my most difficult. We tried so hard to have this last baby and it was such a struggle. I started having contractions at 28 weeks which posed a risk of pre-term labor and baby boy never flipped head down. But you know what? I didn’t care! I was so happy to be having a baby, I didn’t even care that this pregnancy was so challenging. I just wanted my baby boy to be here so I could FINALLY share my excitement with the world!
On Jaunary 23rd, 2014 our sweet baby Hayes was born! He was a bit early and still breech so a c-section was necessary. It was BY FAR my most difficult delivery and the recovery was long and hard but it was worth every tear shed, every disappointment, every moment of despair. We finally had our baby boy in our arms. While I knew that this baby was the blessing that we had been praying for for so long, I never would have thought that his entrance into this world would change our lives as much as it has. We are blessed beyond measure!

For all of you out there that have been affected by a pregnancy loss, please know that you’re not alone. While I never wanted to be a part of the large group of us that have gone through this or know and love someone that has, I’m so grateful that I can talk about this and it be a help to others. To each of you that reached out to me after my first post, thank you! To each of you that share your stories to help others, thank you! And most of all, thank you for letting me share my story. And to my sweet babies that I was never able to meet, I feel so blessed to have been chosen to be your mommy. I love you and can’t wait to meet you someday! xoxo

Candice Adelle Photography Virginia DC MD Wedding Photographer_0554.jpg

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  • pinkpumps

    Jean,
    Thank you so much for sharing your story! It is so important for us to talk about this!!! It is a tragic experience that we share but it is so comforting to know others have felt our pain and can support us by sharing their stories. Much love to you!!!ReplyCancel

  • Candice,

    Congratulations on making it through your story, I know how difficult it was for you to put your heart and soul out there. Most of us never get to tell about the terror we felt while being pregnant at a time when most are filled with anticipation, plans and dreams of this new life growing inside.

    The first time I made it to 3 months, the second to 24 weeks, (we thought we were in the clear when we made the 3 month mark) she lived for 13 days. Her birthday was this past January and there was really no one to even acknowledge her birthday with, no one who remembered (except my husband but we don’t even acknowledge her to each other) after 29 years she is still a terrible loss.

    Her birthday comes the day after my Daughter-In-Laws so celebrating that one is tough and the day she died is the day after my son’s birthday, so that has always been a tough one. I don’t even think my three children know when her birthday is and I don’t share it with them so as to not scare them of what can happen. So you are lucky in one way, you were able to share the impact those children had on you, your husband and your life.

    My second daughter was born at 28 weeks, 1lb. 12 oz., she is now 26 years old and just a fabulous young lady. She was in the hospital for 100 days and came out of it relatively unscathed other than some vision loss, my miracle child. When I got pregnant after her, it was four months before I took a pregnancy test, I knew I was but was afraid to confirm it. When I finally went to the OB, he tried to talk me into an abortion so I wouldn’t go through that terror again. This wonderful son is 24 years old and we always referred to him as our “Smiley Guy” and he still has the most wonderful smile.

    The unfortunate this is while going through all of this, you talk to quite a few in the medical field, that’s when you find out that 1 in 3 pregnancies are “expected” to fail and they don’t start looking for a problem until you’ve lost three. I was never “given” an answer, I had to finally press a NICU doc on what was going on, that’s when I found out I was basically allergic to a “friendly bacteria” and if I was antibiotics every was fine, which is why my youngest made it to term with no problems.

    As a final note, I read a fiction book about a man who died and on arrival to Heaven he found out that the learning was not finished in college, but that you had to learn what to do in Heaven. The teachers for Heaven had to be perfect, sinless and not know the ways of Earth; those teachers could only be infants. Perfect souls grown in their human mothers but taken straight to Heaven. So my condolence is that these children I was never able to hold, the aborted babies who never felt human love will be there to teach us the ways of God, Christ and welcome us into our eternal life.

    Candice, I hope I have not infringed on your personal story and I thank you (or apologize) for the liberty I’ve taken in sharing this with you.

    Jean RodinoReplyCancel

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