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And Then There Was Hayes-Part I | A Personal Post about Loss and Love |

As my family and I celebrate the first birthday of our sweet Hayes, I thought that now would be the perfect time for a very personal blog post. I don’t always feel comfortable putting my life out there into the cyber world but I have certainly had those moments when I have scoured the internet searching for others’ experiences similar to mine. I always feel so much comfort when I find those stories to which I can relate. To know that I’m not alone. And for that reason, I chose to share my family’s story.

“I will never forget that day in the hospital when I heard the news that no pregnant mother wants to hear. I was only 7 1/2 weeks pregnant with my third child but I had already made plans for this little baby. I had made a timeline in my mind of how our lives were going to change, possible names, when he (or she) would have his first birthday. How I would finally have a summer baby. Eric and I were so excited and so were our girls! That all came crashing down in a heap of reality when I took myself to the emergency room because things just weren’t right. The look on the sonographer’s face told me the news without her having to utter a word. She wasn’t permitted to anyway. That’s left for the doctor. Waiting for the official news from him seemed like a lifetime. A lifetime of waiting for news I already knew. News I never thought I would ever have to hear. And why would I? I’ve never had issues getting pregnant or staying pregnant for that matter. Pregnancy had always come easy to me. I never had to feel the pain and stress that a mother feels when she loses a baby or the disappointment she feels when she can’t get pregnant. No, things like this just didn’t happen to me.

I decided to let nature takes its course and opted to not have surgery. The reality of what I was in for during the days ahead began to sink in the following day. I think that’s when the hormones really started to take a nose dive and I thought I was going a bit crazy. I had never felt so alone. I mourned this little baby that for some inexplicable reason was taken from me so swiftly. I mourned for the life that I thought I was going to have with this new little one. I mourned for my family’s broken expectations. My girls were so excited to have a baby in the house. My husband was excited to possibly, finally, have a son. That was all washed away now. I felt like I had let my family down, like I was some type of failure. My body had failed me! My body had failed my family and the future we were supposed to have. While this may seem a bit extreme, these are the thoughts that a woman has after a miscarriage.

Aside from the roller coaster of emotions that I felt as my body began to heal, I began to reflect on my life; how much I had taken my children for granted. Babies always came easy to me. I never had to “work” for them. But now it was different and now I appreciated my children more than I ever had! I felt so guilty for every time that I had yelled at them or had gotten frustrated with the little things. I realized that there was a woman somewhere that would have given ANYTHING to be in my shoes, struggles and all. Now I understood.

As my body and family returned to some normalcy, I knew that we would try again. I knew that we would get pregnant again. I also knew that there was the possibility that I could lose the baby again…

Read Part II (coming next week) for the next chapter of our journey!
Until then…
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  • Jamie Brathwaite

    I completely empathize with you as I had a similar experience. In 2010 I had an unexpected pregnancy. I found out on a Wednesday completely and utterly shocked to ve pregnant for a 4th time the twins were just over a year old. Thursday was acceptance, excitement and planning. Friday did not feel right then fear and loss. It was so swift and completely devastating. Physically my body was not passing the baby properly so surgery it was. I was only 5 weeks. I keep thinking if I had never tested I would not have known loss. I kept thinking maybe that was my little princess I lost as I have my four boys. Luckily in September 2013 I was again blessed now I type this as I cradle my rainbow princess who just turned 8 months on the 7th. Although loss is common there is nothing easy about it. There is always an unknown plan we don’t always know what it may be but it is there. Through Facebook I have watched you and your beautiful family grow and see your talent and your strength. But at the same time I still see the girl next door that graduated a year early with me.ReplyCancel

  • Renee Rader

    Candi, I typically don’t read peoples blogs. Yours it touching, I too remember these days with you. I am so proud of the woman you have become and the mother that you are. You are an amazing woman. Just remember as you always do that God has a plan for each and everyone of us. It is now your time to shine. We love you all!ReplyCancel

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